Kim Jong Un has an amazing new haircut. We have many, many questions.

Kim Jong Un has an amazing new haircut. We have many, many questions. 

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, now with more haircut (KCNA)

Vox | 19 Feb. 2015

 

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un debuted a new haircut — and a new ... eyebrowcut? — at a politburo meeting on Wednesday. The style is a variation on Kim's signature shaved sides, but with the top now sculpted into a high, wedge-shaped pompadour that sits atop Kim's head like a hat, or perhaps a small, dormant woodland creature. The North Korean despot accessorized his new look with partially-shaven eyebrows that now stop just above his pupils.

This new haircut raises a number of important questions for anyone who follows North Korean politics. For instance:

1. What instructions did Kim Jong Un give his barber that resulted in this style?
2. Was it, "Hey, you know trapezoids?"
3. Or perhaps, "You know my main priority is to ensure that my ears do not feel crowded, let's work on a 'do that really lets the old face-handles breathe"?
4. Kim Jong Un famously adopted his shaved-sided, center-parted haircut as a way to signal connection with his grandfather and the country's founding leader, Kim Il Sung. Now the sides are still shaved, but the center part is GONE. What does it mean?
5. Could it be that the the new style conveys an intent to embrace the legacy of his father Kim Jong Il, who also often sported a uniform crest of hair unbroken by any parting?
6. Or is it intended to signify that North Korea, like Kim Jong Un's hair, is reaching new heights and cannot be stopped by gravity or any other natural force?
7. Does his haircut sail majestically ever-upwards, unlike the North Korean Unha rocket that failed spectacularly after launch in 2012, breaking up over the Sea of Japan?
8. Could Kim Jong Un's new haircut carry a warhead?
9. Could Kim Jong Un's new haircut target Seoul?
10. Will the haircut affect the possible resumption of the six-party talks on the future of North Korea's nuclear weapons program?
11. Given the haircut's obvious strength, would it be prudent to consider it a potential party to the talks in its own right?
12. Will the parties to the multilateral negotiations now be North Korea, South Korea, Japan, China, Russia, the United States, and Kim Jong Un's haircut?
13. Is Kim Jong Un's haircut willing to negotiate in good faith?
14. What are the haircut's demands?
15. Is the haircut committed to to North Korea's Juche communist ideology, or is it a pragmatist?
16. Would the haircut ever defect?
17. What if, hypothetically, the haircut were offered access to a tourmaline-coated ceramic straightening iron and residence in the western city of its choice?
18. How about some argan oil as a deal sweetener?
19. Doesn't the haircut realize that it's so much more than just an appendage to Kim Jong Un?
20. Why can't the haircut just believe in its own potential for once?
21. Doesn't the haircut want to be a star?
22. Hasn't the haircut ever heard the maxim "fall down seven times, stand up eight?"
23. What does the haircut mean, "of course you'd quote a Japanese proverb"?
24. Why would the haircut think that was meant to be a reference to Japanese occupation of the Korean peninsula?
25. Why is the haircut suddenly so angry?
26. Oh god what is the haircut doing?
27. Is anyone else seeing this?
28. Oh no is that —?
29. Help?