18 Behaviors of Emotionally Intelligent People
TIME | 28 April 2015
Emotional intelligence is a huge driver of success
When emotional intelligence (EQ) first
appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link in a peculiar
finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the highest IQs
70 percent of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into the
broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success.
Decades of research now point to emotional
intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star performers
apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90
percent of top performers have high emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the “something” in
each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior,
navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to achieve
positive results.
Despite the significance of EQ, its
intangible nature makes it difficult to measure and to know what to do
to improve it if you’re lacking. You can always take a scientifically
validated test, such as the one that comes with the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book, but unfortunately, most such tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed
the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order
to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What
follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.
You have a robust emotional vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a
select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Our research
shows that only 36 percent of people can do this, which is problematic
because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to
irrational choices and counterproductive actions.
People with high EQs master their emotions
because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of
feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply
feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they
feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more
specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how
you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.
You’re curious about people
It doesn’t matter if they’re introverted or
extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious about everyone
around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of the most
significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other people
and what they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have
about them.
You embrace change
Emotionally intelligent people are flexible
and are constantly adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing
and a major threat to their success and happiness. They look for change
that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a plan of action
should these changes occur.
You know your strengths and weaknesses
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just
understand emotions; they know what they’re good at and what they’re
terrible at. They also know who pushes their buttons and the
environments (both situations and people) that enable them to succeed.
Having a high EQ means you know your strengths and how to lean into and
use them to your full advantage while keeping your weaknesses from
holding you back.
You’re a good judge of character
Much of emotional intelligence comes down to
social awareness; the ability to read other people, know what they’re
about, and understand what they’re going through. Over time, this skill
makes you an exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to
you. You know what they’re all about and understand their motivations,
even those that lie hidden beneath the surface.
You are difficult to offend
You know how to say no (to yourself and others)
Emotional intelligence means knowing how to
exert self-control. You delay gratification and avoid impulsive action.
Research conducted at the University of California, San Francisco, shows
that the more difficulty that you have saying no, the more likely you
are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is a
major self-control challenge for many people, but “No” is a powerful
word that you should unafraid to wield. When it’s time to say no,
emotionally intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I
can” or “I’m not certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your
existing commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully
fulfill them.
You let go of mistakes
Emotionally intelligent people distance
themselves from their mistakes, but do so without forgetting them. By
keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to
refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It takes
refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and
remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and
gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to
repeat them. The key to balance lies in your ability to transform
failures into nuggets of improvement. This creates the tendency to get
right back up every time you fall down.
You give and expect nothing in return
When someone gives you something
spontaneously, without expecting anything in return, this leaves a
powerful impression. For example, you might have an interesting
conversation with someone about a book, and when you see them again a
month later, you show up with the book in hand. Emotionally intelligent
people build strong relationships because they are constantly thinking
about others.
You don’t hold grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding
onto a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the
event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism
that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced
with a threat. When the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential
to your survival, but when the threat is ancient history, holding onto
that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health
consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have
shown that holding onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and
heart disease. Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress,
and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs.
Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also
improve your health.
You neutralize toxic people
Dealing with difficult people is frustrating
and exhausting for most. But high-EQ individuals control their
interactions with toxic people by keeping their feelings in check. When
they need to confront a toxic person, they approach the situation
rationally. They identify their own emotions and don’t allow anger or
frustration to fuel the chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s
standpoint and are able to find solutions and common ground. Even when
things completely derail, emotionally intelligent people are able to
take the toxic person with a grain of salt to avoid letting him or her
bring them down.
You don’t seek perfection
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set
perfection as their target because they know that it doesn’t exist.
Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your
goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you
want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending time
lamenting what you failed to accomplish and should have done differently
instead of moving forward, excited about what you’ve achieved and what
you will accomplish in the future.
You appreciate what you have
Taking time to contemplate what you’re
grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it also improves your
mood by reducing the stress hormone cortisol (in some cases by 23
percent). Research conducted at the University of California, Davis,
found that people who work daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude
experience improved mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely
that lower levels of cortisol play a major role in this.
You disconnect
Taking regular time off the grid is a sign of
a high EQ because it helps you to keep your stress under control and to
live in the moment. When you make yourself available to your work 24/7,
you expose yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing
yourself offline and even–gulp!–turning off your phone gives your body
and mind a break. Studies have shown that something as simple as an
email break can lower stress levels. Technology enables constant
communication and the expectation that you should be available 24/7. It
is extremely difficult to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work
when an email with the power to bring your thinking (read: stressing)
back to work can drop onto your phone at any moment.
You limit your caffeine intake
Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine
triggers the release of adrenaline, which is the primary source of a
fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps
rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This
is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re
responding to a curt email. When caffeine puts your brain and body into
this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior.
Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it takes its
sweet time working its way out of your body. High-EQ individuals know
that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the better of them.
You get enough sleep
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of
sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your
stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling
through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes
dreams) so that you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals
know that their self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when
they don’t get enough–or the right kind–of sleep. So, they make sleep a
top priority.
You stop negative self-talk in its tracks
The more you ruminate on negative thoughts,
the more power you give them. Most of our negative thoughts are just
that–thoughts, not facts. When it feels like something always or never
happens, this is just your brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats
(inflating the frequency or severity of an event). Emotionally
intelligent people separate their thoughts from the facts in order to
escape the cycle of negativity and move toward a positive, new outlook.
You won’t let anyone limit your joy
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction
are derived from the opinions of other people, you are no longer the
master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel
good about something they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or
snide remarks take that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn
off your reactions to what others think, you don’t have to compare
yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a
grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or
doing, your self-worth comes from within.
This post is in partnership with Inc.,
which offers useful advice, resources and insights to entrepreneurs and
business owners. The article above was originally published at Inc.com.
More from Inc.:
- Why You Need Emotional Intelligence to Succeed
- Why You Should Hire for Emotional Intelligence
- 5 Aspects of Emotional Intelligence Required for Effective Leadership
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